“What
can be said of a man who loves one woman and is loved by another? That he is a
lucky bastard. That he can have his cake and eat it too. And that he definitely
is the most laid person around me.”
“Quit
mocking my situation, Rahul. This is serious. I don’t know what to do. I love
Suma. I really do. But I care a lot for Sahana. I can’t seem to let go of her.
I need her as much as I need Suma. And I know that’s not right. I... am
confused. I mean, I’m not doing justice to any of us three in the process,
right?”
“Ajit,
you are reading too much into the situation. I think you should just enjoy the
liberty you have right now and just, you know, go with the flow,” Rahul took a
drag from his cigarette. “Bloody lucky bastard, I’d say. I haven’t had a single
girl chasing me, nor have I felt real true louwe for anyone,” he sighed.
“You
are too damn frivolous about this. Somehow I can’t… and I am going with the
flow, if you haven’t yet noticed. But I feel terrible about it sometimes. I
feel like I’m cheating myself, Suma as well as Sahana. I don’t want to do it,
but I end up doing it, and then…”
“Cut
the crap, dude. I’m pretty sleepy right now. What I don’t understand is why you
start all this right after two drinks, and spoil my mood too. Blergh! Do what
you want, bro. Good night, and happy thinking!” Rahul turned on the bed and
went to sleep. Ajit was left wondering to himself.
*
* *
“Sahana,
please, try and understand. I cannot, I am not able to fall in love with you.
Don’t push me so hard. I’ll give up. I’m already under too much pressure.”
“Aji
you just… don’t understand. No, you refuse to accept me for some stupid
prejudice of yours. ‘You’re not the right woman for me.’ What nonsense! Tell me
one woman who has understood you and your needs so well and supported you on
everything. You go on saying true love is loving the person who loves you, and
when such a person is there in front of you, you don’t want to accept that. I’m
just so exasperated. I love you so dearly that I can’t give you up so easily. I
don’t know what to call our relationship. I have done so much for you, and you
don’t want to acknowledge that and…”
“Please
don’t tell me I don’t acknowledge your love or things you do for me. I really
really appreciate all that and I have always told you that. But I cannot fall
in love with you. You don’t evoke that special feeling in me. You make me
comfortable, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and you’re awesome in bed…
but that doesn’t make love!” his voice was getting increasingly gruffy. “And,
I’m warning you, if you want to keep testing my limits, let us cut off this
relation right away. Let us be just good neighbours and leave each other
alone.”
“That’s
nothing less than threat, and Mr Ajit Prasad, I’m not gonna take that from you.
No one tells me what to feel and how!” Sahana picked up her bag and got up from
the bed. “But one final word. I love you more dearly than life itself, and you
cannot change that.” And she walked off, leaving Ajit with his head between his
hands.
*
* *
“Do
you want a coffee? I’m gonna grab a cup…”
“Yeah
sure. Do you have a smoke too?”
Sahana’s
laughter rang in her bedroom. “What, post-coital cigarette, eh?”
Ajit
laughed too. “If you wanna call it by such a technical name, fine!”
“There,
on the shelf. The lighter’s next to it, and the ash-tray is under the bed. I’ll
make the coffee.”
Ajit’s
phone rang. It was Suma.
“Sana,
don’t speak, okay? It’s Suma calling.”
“Oh
yeah, I’m not here, you’re not with me. Understand, understand, sir.” She
laughed again, and went into the kitchen.
“Yeah,
tell me honey. What’s up?”
*
* *
“So,
what do you think?”
“Yeah,
suits you, but you can look much better.”
“This
is the best I could do. I wasn’t ready to go for complete colouring. I thought
this light burgundy shade looked charming. And you give such a lukewarm
response!” Sahana cried.
“Honey,
honey, you look awesome. I just said you have more potential! You’re a very
charming woman, and I want people to know that. Come on, I’m buying you some
funky attire to go with that hair of yours. How about trying out the new stuff
at Lifestyle? Laika said there are some trendy things there. Might suit you.”
“Okay
okay. Whatever you say.”
“Listen,
it’s not about you obeying me here, okay? It’s about getting you a light
makeover. Just a touch-up, actually, but something that’ll make you stand out
in the crowd.”
“Makeover,
yeah that’s right,” she smiled. “I love you, Aji. I love you so much.”
Aji
returned the smile. “Let’s go, my pretty pie. Hop on to the bike.”
*
* *
“Suma,
you’re sure we’re doing the right thing? I mean, isn’t this too sudden for you?
You haven’t even gotten over Vasishth yet… and then marrying me… you know how
I am situated. With Sheela’s studies still going on and mom down in the
hospital every month, I don’t know if I can…”
“Ajit,
I am not worried about the finances. I have a good amount of savings, and of
course I’ll work after marriage too. I have no issues with you giving off all
your salary at home. And about Vasu. The earlier I forget him the better.
“Don’t
worry I’m not using you as a rebound. I actually want to settle down with you.
You’re the one for me; I’m sure of that. I want to know if you are fine. Anyone
you’re involved with, or anything that doesn’t appeal to you? I mean, do you
think I’ll be good enough for you?”
“Oh
God, listen to you talk! I… listen, I know I never articulated it to you, but…
but I love you. With all my heart. I can die for you. You tell me, when do you
want me to come and meet your mother?”
Suma’s
heart rose in a flutter. “Aji… you’re such a sweetheart. Make that this
weekend. I assume there won’t be any problem from your side?”
“Not
at all. My mother’ll be happy to hear I chose you. She’s always been a little
partial to you among all my female friends.”
“Oh!”
Suma blushed. “Very nice, my future hubby, then drop the call for now. I have
work at eight in the morning, and oh my God, it’s two a.m. now! Sleep, sleep,
sleep, idiot!”
“Hahaha…
okay Sumi. Good night. Sweet dreams.”
“Sweet
dreams, Aji.”
*
* *
“So
you’ve made the final choice now.”
“Yes.”
“There’s
no going back?”
“There
is no need to. Not for me.”
“And
what about me?”
“You
already know I’m never going to marry you and give you a life you dream of. I
have made that quite clear many times, I’m sure.”
“Yes
you have, definitely. You and I are together on a ‘no-strings-attached’ basis.
And all that only because I, the bloody fool, am in love with you. Ever
occurred to you that you could be just taking advantage of me?”
“Fuck
you, Sana. I thought we already discussed this. I am not in love with you. But
I can’t seem to be able to let go of you. You are more than a friend, much
more. I need you like the water I drink six times a day. You said you
understood that. You said you wouldn’t accuse me of using you. You said you’ll
be okay. Damn it, Sana!”
Sahana
broke down. “Okay, sorry sorry. I am sorry. It’s just that sometimes I just
snap. I don’t know what I’m saying. Or rather, it all comes out in bitterness,
and then it’s over, and then… I don’t understand. We make such an awesome pair.
Why not?”
“Because
I love Suma. More than I care for you. She’s the one for me, Sana. You and I
are a mismatch. You’ll realise it when you get over your obsession.”
…Sahana
cried bitterly. Ajit made no attempt to soothe her. He walked over to the shelf
and took out a cigarette and sent swirls of smoke up at the fan in her bedroom.
Then he picked up his clothes and went into the bathroom. She looked after him,
gave out a long sigh and wiped her tears. In front of the mirror, she felt her
face. She started out as if she was beginning to cry, but suddenly smiled.
“Not so easy, not so soon. He’ll be back. I know it. This chapter’s not closing
so easily, honey.”
*
* *
“What
is Sahana’s PAN card doing in your laptop bag?”
“Oh
that? She gave it to me so I can fill in her bank form when I go there
tomorrow. She doesn’t stay in Nashik, remember?”
“Then
can’t she come down and do it herself some other day? Why do you have to do it
for her?”
“Suma?
What’s wrong with you? I keep doing odd chores for her anyway!”
“Stop
doing that now. She’s not a baby. Let her handle her own things. She wants to
take you with her for shopping, she wants your opinion on the dress she’s
bought, she buys little nothings for you from everywhere she goes… I think
she’s in love with you.”
“Oh
Suma, you don’t know her for as many years as I do, that’s why. Or wait… you’re
being jealous! Suma!”
“I
know, I know, we spoke about this. You have close female friends, and I have to
get used to it. But Sahana seems different from your other friends. I don’t
like the feeling she gives me when the three of us are together.”
“Come
on, give that girl a chance. You just met her once. You’re being…”
“You
are being defensive about her. I don’t like that too.”
Ajit
looked at her. He moved forward to hug her, but she shrugged it off.
“Pack
your bags fast, Mister. The bus is at 9.”
*
* *
It
was a big gathering. Sahana’s friends, collegemates, professors and
schoolteachers, the nuns and fathers from her orphanage. Ajit sat in a corner,
as if set in marble. One of Sahana’s professors walked up to him.
“Ajit?
I’m Naseema. Sahana used to refer to you as her local guardian. It is so
unfortunate. I mean, a road accident… very, very unlucky, poor girl. Her
parents died the same way. She was saved in that accident. Only to die in
another one, 24 years later… The Lord has his own ways…”
Ajit
looked up coldly. “Yes ma’am. He has. She was a lovely girl. Thanks for your
condolences.” He blinked and paused for a few seconds, before continuing,
almost apologetically, “Can you please write something about her on that golden
sheet over there? She wanted me to maintain a scrap of writing from all those
who attend her most important ritual after the age of 24. She wanted it to be
the wedding, but… thanks.”
The
professor patted Ajit’s shoulder lightly and moved on, unsure of how to take
the bluntness in Ajit’s voice. Rahul came around to him, noticing his alabaster
pose.
“Listen,
take it easy. It’s not your fault. She’s made it clear in her letter, right?
She couldn’t get over you, she was incapable of moving on. There’s no point in
you dejecting over…”
“Shut
up, Rahul,” Ajit groaned. Raising his eyes menacingly, he screeched through his
teeth, “You’re always The Pragmatic. I am not. I cannot be. She chose to die…
with my memories rather than give me up. She bloody took that accident on her
because she realised Suma didn’t like her being friends with me. She couldn’t
let go of me.”
His
voice rose to a feverish pitch. “She fucking loved me like no one ever did. And
I couldn’t give it to her. I couldn’t even make her feel better. Maybe I made
her feel like a slut. ‘No strings attached’, my foot! There were strings all
over the place, and I could spot none. I fucking took a long time to realise
things. I had too much on my dish and I couldn’t clear it sooner. It is my
fault, damn it!” His words resonated in the silent hall. Everyone turned to
look at him. He sat down quietly again.
“Go
sign the sheet, Rahul. She’d love to know what you think of her. Do write what
you always used to say – ‘You’re bloody lucky Ajit. She’s so fucking pretty.’”
Epilogue
‘What
can you say of a man who loved two women at the same time and could never
decide whom to keep and whom to wave goodbye to? That he was confused. That he
should have made a decision sooner. That he shouldn’t have waited until one of
the women died. That, my friends, is the tragedy of the bitch called love.’
